Love yourself so love will not be a stranger when it comes-Jenifer Lewis

Letting someone in after years of sexual abuse is a huge wall to scale. It’s hard to understand that someone wants to GIVE love and affection unconditionally. Not for the pleasure they will receive in return. I didn’t know how to trust anymore. I knew how to love, but I didn’t know how to receive love. I was afraid to expose myself to those emotions again. How do you know that you won’t be betrayed? How can I expect someone to understand me, when I don’t even understand myself and I can’t find the words to explain this.

The hardest thing I’ve had to learn is that there is no way to turn back time and prevent the abuse, or transform myself into a person without this painful past. It’s part of me. It’s one of the many threads that makes up my soul. It’s deep, it’s dark, and it’s not beautiful, but it’s me. Trying to change that is a waste of time and energy.

When I met Mr. Forever, I immediately felt something different. A new emotion that I was not familiar with. He fought to win my trust, and proved he deserved it by being supportive, understanding and caring. There was a peace and a comfort that I’ve never experienced. I knew I could be vulnerable, and a small part of my wall came down.

He chose to walk this difficult path by my side. With my heart in his hands, he committed to me with nothing but love, devotion, understanding, courage and bravery. He taught me how to experience passion without feeling guilty, and how to just enjoy the feeling of being loved and loving someone in return with all of my heart and soul. I thought it was impossible to open my soul to someone who would love me for who I am and accept me with all my personal baggage and painful past.

It’s not easy to love me. I had a hard time loving myself, and I’m only just now learning to do so. My knight in shining armor is extra strong, and extra brave. Enough for the both of us. In this way, I am the luckiest. It’s his birthday tomorrow, but he is my gift. Everyday 💞

One thought on “Trusting after Abuse

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