Numbness

There are some days when you can feel your vibration so strongly you think others may actually be able to see it. Like an emoji on your forehead. 😁😬😫 Working daily on your mindset and intention is HARD! Sometimes it’s physically difficult to keep it strong and positive. Some days the vibe just wants to shut down, be still, quiet, and empty. It’s comfortable here, in the dark place. It’s familiar and smells like home 🖤 We are told that we create our best life with our highest vibrations. Persistence, perseverance, and passion! Work hard everyday on your positive mindset, your self love, recite affirmations, and set goals. But some days I just want to BE. I don’t want to work at it… I just want to see what momentum I can use to get through the day. And I feel guilty. Why? Because I’ve come so far! I know what I’m capable of and I know what I deserve. I’ve set some pretty lofty goals and I KNOW that hustlers don’t take days off… I know that the BEST way to reach my goals is to work hard everyday! So, on days like this, when my mood is gray, reclusive, and quiet…. do I listen to my inner Lady Boss that’s yelling “Lets go girl! Your not gonna inspire millions with THAT attitude! Get busy!” Or my intuition screaming STOP for one damned day and relax. Unwind. Chill. You earned it. But did I?

I think there’s a happy medium. On days like that I shift my focus towards some personal development and I try to learn why I’m feeling the way I am. Self reflection, journaling, or meditation. Fighting the urge to spend the day binge watching Netflix…. I ask myself the questions I need the answers to and I sit quietly and allow my mind to find the answer. Why am I not fired up about my business today? Am I frustrated with my results? Am I satisfied with my efforts? Am I REALLY doing all the things I should be? Am I wasting time and energy on something or someone that’s not serving me? Is it something outside of my control that’s causing me to feel this way? Am I allowing things beyond my control to effect my mindset? Whenever I find myself saying “He/she made me feel…” a certain way, I remind myself that I control my feelings and only I can allow someone to MAKE me feel a certain way. And some days your brain just needs stimulation in a new way! It gets bored with routine, so switch it up! Do something ELSE that’s good for your mind, body, or soul.

I recently started yoga 🧘🏻‍♀️ I am in LOVE. I have always had a tough time turning my brain off, just pushing out thoughts, stillness is very unfamiliar in my head. But when I do yoga NOTHING gets in. I’m loving the way my body feels, and the quiet time for my soul.

Numbness is a vibration. Just think of the way your lips press together and vibrate when you say it. Nummmmmmmb. It has a pulse. A rhythm. Listen to it. Feel it. Understand it. And then counterbalance it. You can’t have rainbows with the rain, just like you can’t feel ALIVE without feeling numb.

A letter to Me, from Me 💌

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Listen! I know you feel stuck in some shit right now. Like your way over your head and too tired to keep swimming. I’m dropping you this quick note, cuz I’ve got a different perspective! Everything you wish wasn’t happening, everything you wish didn’t happen, and everything you wish won’t happen…..it has to happen. It’s what will give you the strength and the FIRE to get here. It’s the fuel that will push you to breakthrough the walls that we built to protect you, because growth is necessary. You’ve gotta go thru it, to get here. The place that your scars will save someone else’s life. You’ll find the passion to risk everything for what you truly believe in. You’ll discover the true purpose of your journey and once you’ve found that road, you’ll have the courage to keep traveling down it with a fierce curiosity for what the world has in store. So don’t wish it away. Don’t curse your higher power for NOT answering your prayer. There’s a reason for all of it, it’s all part of the plan. Just keep believing in yourself, and practice self care. Protect your heart and your mind. Keep reminding yourself that your ok. You’ve got this. For some reason you’ve been given this life, you’ve been blessed in countless ways. Bless others often and be grateful.

Future Crystal 💕

I don’t know what you’re going through but SPOILER ALERT you win ;)

I used to be able to fly in my dreams. All I had to do was “think” I could, and flap my arms a little and I was off like a bird! Then, as I got older, I remember NOT being able to do it anymore. I would go to “take off” and hear that voice in my head tell me I couldn’t. Then I’d be stuck to the ground like lead. Funny how you can talk yourself out of your capabilities so easily. Even in your dreams, where you can do anything! Its like that in your reality too. Not the flying thing (obviously) you’ll need some science on your side for that one! But if you REALLY wanted to, you could do it. When you believe it’s possible, and you work towards it relentlessly you WILL achieve your goal. Will you fail a few times? Definitely. Learning how NOT to do it is all part of the journey. When you fall, get back up and learn WHAT you did or didn’t do correctly. Apply that and go again. Super Mario 3 was my JAM! I would play and die and start over (and cheat with The Genie…you know what I’m talking about) until I WON! If the Goomba killed me with his spiky turtle shells I would memorize his patterns and dodge them the next time I made it there! Losing over and over again until you win is HOW you beat the game. It’s how you achieve your goals too. It’s harder to fail in real life though, because we are so concerned about other people’s opinions of us. Well guess what? Other people opinions of you, are NONE of your business. People will judge you whether you fail or succeed! Worry about you, your morals and values, the choices you make and the impact you make in this world. If today was your last day on earth, would you be proud of the person you’ll be remembered as?

So what would you do if you KNEW you couldn’t fail? Think BIG! If money were NOT an issue? What is your perfect life? Figure that out. What gives you joy? What fills your soul? Once you can answer that, work tirelessly until you’re there! And when your internal safety mechanism (your brain) tells you it’s not possible, not safe, not attainable, remember that YOU are unstoppable! The human mind is an incredibly powerful muscle and when it’s conditioned and trained it can do so much more than you could imagine. Don’t waste your life convincing yourself to be average just to feel safe.

It’s amazing to me that every super successful person, no matter WHAT they are successful in, is happy to share exactly how they achieved their success! Yet so many of us are not where we want to be in our lives. Ask that couple that has been married for 50+ years HOW they managed to do it? They know the answers! Communication, patience, trust, honesty, and lots of sex! 😉 Ask someone who built a successful business how they did it and they’d be quick to tell you!! Hard work, consistency, focus, and resilience. Ask the addict that kicked their habit and lives a clean life how they managed?! They’d be happy to tell you what it took to climb out of that dark hole and the struggle everyday to fight the demons in their head, with strength, remaining true to the promises they made to themselves and lots of caffeine! No matter what it is that your reaching to achieve, someone has been through it and has succeeded! Find those people. Surround yourself with those people, and listen! Watch, learn, absorb, study and emulate them! They are YOU in the future.

If I really want to fly in my dreams again, I could go online and find a lucid dreaming group. Make friends with people that have mastered controlling their dreams and learn what they have learned along the way. You can do the same thing with any goal in your life! Always be the dumbest person in the room… and then keep your ears and your mind open to whatever they can teach you.

When you feel as though your not strong enough, smart enough, thin enough, pretty enough, rich enough…then it’s time to say ENOUGH! You will believe anything you tell yourself enough. Why not believe in yourself! Love yourself! Work on loving you, gaining strength, getting healthy, learning everyday and giving back to the world. Nothing makes you feel better than helping another human being. A smile or a compliment can completely change someone’s life! And those are FREE!! Spread that stuff everywhere you go!

Love Yourself 💗

The way you treat yourself teaches others how to treat you. YOU are amazing! Treat yourself with respect, and love. There’s nothing wrong with being in love with the person you are! If fact, it’s imperative. Look at you! You have overcome challenges and lived through some shit! So, do you love the person you are? Do you love the person you are becoming? The choices you make daily? The way you honor your life and commitments? I do 😉

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There’s been lots of times in my life that I was NOT in love with me. Mostly when I made alcohol a priority over everything else. When I allowed my addiction to takeover my mindset and cause me to make bad choices, I did not like the person I was or the choices I made. So why did I let it go on for so long? Because I didn’t think I was strong enough to change it. I told myself I “liked” me and the life I lived. And you will believe ANYTHING you tell yourself enough…let that sink in for a minute.

But when I was at my heaviest weight (185lbs standing only 5’2″) I loved the person that I was! I knew I wasn’t as skinny as other girls, but I never compared myself to others in that aspect. I was not taught to be happy by the size of my clothes, I was raised to be happy with the person I was. I always had a boyfriend and I was blessed to never be the victim of body shaming bully’s like kids are these days so my self esteem was pretty high!  I was a good person, I volunteered and helped people whenever I could. I liked me, and other people did too. So why did I allow thoughts of self doubt creep in and change my mindset?

I had just been through an emotionally difficult time in my life. I remember waking up at 4 am and running to the bathroom to throw up violently the morning I was supposed to testify in front of a grand jury. Telling your deepest darkest secret to a panel of 23 complete strangers, as the person who abused you for six years stares you down on the stand is enough to shatter your self confidence and inner girl boss! I’ll never forget driving to court that day, one of those pink plastic buckets you get from the hospital in my lap because the dry heaves just kept coming. We met with our lawyer and the advocate from RI Rape Crisis Center in the court house lobby and I was immediately running to the restroom again. I couldn’t face him, I probably would have thrown up all over the stand. He got lucky that day and took a plea bargain because I wasn’t strong enough anymore. We had been through so much at this point and I was literally falling apart. He was sentenced to 5 years. I suffered from his abuse for 6 years, and the torment of the memories for the rest of my life, and he got 5 years.

I didn’t love myself then. I beat myself up pretty bad. But I made a choice to get stronger and I was determined to make sure he served every day of those 5 years. When he came up for parole a few years later, I marched into that room and told the parole board why he didn’t deserve to live a free man a single second more than what his very lenient sentence would allow. I was strong and confidant and not afraid! I’m proud to say he served all 5 years. If it takes round 2, or 3, or 10…. you always have the chance to get back up and FIGHT for yourself. It’s not over till YOU say it’s over.

It was shortly after this that I began working on the boat. I felt strong, independent and confident. I immediately made some lifelong friendships and even dabbled in a little boat love. I was on cruise control! But confidence is like lipstick, you have to apply it multiple times a day! I had never been away from home, my mom, my friends and family. I had never left the country before! I was soaking it all in like a sponge.

Living in very close quarters with several other women caused some seriously crazy body dysmorphia, and it was completely subconscious for me!!! What I mean by that is, when I was 185 lbs, I looked in the mirror and saw a cute, curvy, petite chick with great hair and a nice rack! (God blessed this girl!) But when I was 105 lbs just 6 short months later, I saw the same girl! I did not see the too thin, bobble headed looking chick everyone else saw. (my head is huge…) I remember going shopping in St. Thomas at the Tommy Hilfiger Outlet and finding these adorable yellow shorts! I knew I had “lost a few” because my uniform was fitting a little looser. I normally wore a size 14, so I grabbed a 10. Too big. 8? 6? I ended up buying a 2. What the hell?? How did I look in the mirror and still see the same body?? That still blows my mind to this day. It’s just another example of how much control we have over our minds and what we believe! I told my self I loved ME at 185lbs and when I looked at me I saw something I was happy with. 6 months of popping diet pills, daily excessive exercising and anorexia/bulimia tendencies (why did I eat all that pizza 🤮) and drastic weight loss did NOT change the person I saw or the way I felt about me…. That’s awesome! Why? Because it proves that no matter what your pants size or the number on the scale YOU can see beauty and love yourself.

When my mom came to pick me up at the airport after 6 months in South America I was blonde, tan, and 80 lbs lighter than when she last saw me. At first she looked right past me, and then she cried. After that I jumped RIGHT into a relationship with Mr. Toxic and BOOM! Cue the downward spiral! It took that 6 years of feeling like I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, rich enough, or thin enough to say ENOUGH! It took a good slap upside the head from a girlfriend to call off the wedding and move on! Slowly I began to love myself again.

Today I can honestly say that I love me. I’m not perfect. I have flaws. We all do… but I’m a good person. I like helping people, I’m kind and I try to spread love and joy wherever I go. I work on myself everyday because I’M worth it! I’m worthy of being loved and I’m so grateful that I’ve taken all the seasons of my past to learn how to love me.

Don’t ever let anyone make you feel anything but amazing. If they do, they do not deserve to be in your life. Sometimes that’s one of the hardest decisions to make, removing someone like that from your circle, because so often our biggest naysayers are the people closest to us. You MUST surround yourself with people that inspire you and uplift you. If someone’s telling you that your goals, hopes and dreams are silly or unobtainable sooner or later you’ll believe them. But if you only make time for motivational encouragement from yourself and others then before you know it… BOOM! You are your biggest fan!